A recap on life at this very moment

Nobody reads these so this is for my own memory records.

In August of 09 my boyfriend dumped me, I went to New York and stayed for two months with my aunt, got into a fist fight with my cousin Jen kicked her in the face for saying shit she sould have never said, broke her nose, jumped on a flight at 5 in the morning and went back to Florida.
I was in Florida for 3 days before my sister called and asked me to help her with my nieces because my brother-in-law was in jail...I left and went to my sisters in Franklin T.N.
The day after Christmas in 09, my mother called me and told me my father had stage four liver cancer and was given 4-6 months to live, I wanted to go home right then but was caught between two obligations, my father and my sister. I finally was able to go home to my dad on the 6th of Feb 2010...
My father died 20 days later one day shy of his 63rd birthday.
I stayed in Florida to take care of my mom, got a job at the race track near my home and slowly tried to drink myself to death...doesn't make sense to me either.
My mother left for Alabama to stay with her sister after she tried to kill her self in August of 2010, I then left for Houston Texas to stay with a friend from Highschool Jesse....
I was in Houston for three months, had an art show at a Gallery downtown, then left after to much fighting with Jesse.
I then drove to Alabama to regroup with my mother, who is doing very well.
Her and I decided the best place for me would be in Nashville T.N.

I got an apartment right away and then landed a job three days later.
I, so far, have been working at an attorney's office as a file cleck/ assistante/ receptionist for the last week and a half...

I love it here and intened to stay for atleast three years.

I miss you Daddy

My little fallen angel....

She's my heart, my soul, my little fairy...
My little fallen angel, who fell just for me...
I couldn't live without her...
Dream, or be
without her...
My little wood nymph.

I met her in such a strange way,
as it happens, you meet the most interesting people
in strange ways...

She fell from a cloud,
into my lap, and never left that place between my breast.

She is the only person I would promise the moon and the stars,
because for her I would get them.
I would promise her the world and deliver it...She desevers it...

Everyday she has been apart of my life has been a day to remember,
to treasure...
A diamond in time.

If I were a man I would marry her,
I would take care of her all the days of her life and never let her go...
I would wisk her off to a castle,
I would take her to the edge of the world and back,
just so she knew that what ever she asked of me I would do,
So she knew how much I love her.

She is my best friend,
My sould mate,
My sister,
The Keeper of my heart..

My little fallen angel,
who fell from heaven
just for me.

I think I'm going knuts again....

I made out with one of my co-workers yeasterday after work, I slept with another co-worker before that...and wanted to lastnight too but he didn't come through...
I have been drinking a lot more and more often....
I can't have a normal relationship with a man without it turnig sexual, becuase I don't know how to relate any other way...
All I want is someone to lay next to me and stroke my back, while we watch a movie and fall asleep to the sound of the rain...to kiss me when I'm sad or upset, I want someone to cook for, to laugh with...
I want to touch his skin and cause him to get goose bumbs...
I want to slow dance in the kitchen, and fall asleep on the floor.....
Am I crazy? Am I asking to much?
Do I sound like a for lorn bleeding hearted emo teen....I think I do..
And I'm discusted with myself...Throughly.

what I have yet to have...

I dream, softly sometimes...sometimes painfuly hard.

I dream of the moments when I can lose myself in someones touch, in there breath...in thier scent. When is it my turn to get lost in the sound and rhythm of a beating heart?

The dreams come...never when I'm sleeping...never when I'm standing still.
It is dark when they come, when the phatom visits me.
He has no face,
no body,
no skin,
no voice...

But, I feel him there.
Outside my mind, yet not...contained inside...contained and
forever yearning for release.
Waiting for me to touch him...
I try, but all I touch is air.
Waiting for me to kiss him..
but his lips are never there.
I never ment to cage him,
he was trapped by his own will.

I read the stories,
I hear the stories..
I see the stories..
unfold.
For other people.
The colminating breath, the intense heat,
the throbing...the need.
The sweat, so sweet and salty.
They forget who they are, what they are, who is who and what is what.
And what more, they don't care.
Love is stopping time and speeding it up all at the same time.
Confusion is blurred by passion, need, surealisism, hope, happiness.
All thought is abliturated in an explotion so intense,
that if the energy where ever harnessed
it would be more powerful than a hundred suns.

Minds melt, and bodies merg as one,
for one
single
second...
Your soul is not alone.

I am a watcher,
I watch these moments in my mind and yearn for them in my heart.
I am lucky...I see what you can not and know what you could never comprehend.
But you are luckier then I...you feel them...I can't.
Because as a watcher I can never do what you do.
Stop watching.
I can't close my eyes.
not even for one second.
I can't be selfish for a moment so that I can lose myself in the feeling of it all.
I am caught in a trap.
The trap of the observer.
I watch,
I am never apart of it.

So my phantom and I are one in the same,
He is me,
I am him.
Equals in our cage.
The day someone releases us...

I wait impaitently to escape my captivity.

It's been awhile......

I speak to you of shame....
I once was a sweet girl, kind and silently hurting...
now my pain is out....now my pain is alive.
I AM a happy person...but for some strange reason...while with a smile on my face...I still think of suicide...I still picture myself hanging from light poles, bathing in a bath of red water...a bullet threw the head...my car crushed and twisted around an old oak tree....
strange right?

into the pit I do de-send,
while angels sing sad songs to me.....
time only will start to mend,
my souls broken chastity...

I'M FREE!!!

Classes are over, and as far as assignments go, I think I will keep this one running...even though it is no longer a requirement...I like writing here and maybe I will try this forum as a testing group for my stories...hell it's just nice to have an outlet!

BRILLIANT!!!!!

Modern Toilet is a restaurant in Taipei, Taiwan with a modern decor and a full-on toilet theme. All 100 seats in the crowded diner are made from toilet bowls, not chairs. . Sink faucets and gender-coded "WC" signs appear throughout the three-storey facility, one of 12 in an island-wide chain of eateries. Would you like to taste the ice-cream shaped like faeces?
Probably not the best place to bring a child in potty training...