today was my birthday, it was really really nice...this year I stayed home....my mother is leaving town tomorrow, and she wont be here for my dads birthday on thrusday so he and I are celebrating it together...I thoroughly believe that my dad will require a nanny while my mother is out of town.
I am really happy though...
Monday, February 23, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Poetry...
I think it's sad that people no longer read poetry...I hear that people write it...but what about the poets of the past...at one time it was a luxury to be able to read of their work.
They were poor in their pockets, but rich in words.
My favorite poets are
Yeats, Poe, Donne, Field, and Frost...there are many more...I like some of Dickens too.
With poetry there can be millions of interpretations on the words, sometimes with just the tone you read it in you can change the meaning...then there are others that paint it as it is.
Cool words run over your skin, hot words melt your heart..lovely like silk...words
They were poor in their pockets, but rich in words.
My favorite poets are
Yeats, Poe, Donne, Field, and Frost...there are many more...I like some of Dickens too.
With poetry there can be millions of interpretations on the words, sometimes with just the tone you read it in you can change the meaning...then there are others that paint it as it is.
Cool words run over your skin, hot words melt your heart..lovely like silk...words
Friday, February 13, 2009
Nightmares...
It is a recent development, these nightmares...they were random at first and now they have become weekly occurrences, dreams so real...so random...so jarring.
I can't remember some and some I can't forget...no matter how hard I try.
In some cases I end up hurting myself when I am within their grip.
A few nights ago I had a dream where I was being hunted by a group of panthers ( my favorite animal) trying to beat them back with a large stick and then chases up a tree...
then there was the dream I had about a large wasp coming out of a window I broke and landing on my forehead...I had a small seizure, I ended up cutting my face with my nail, and burning my knee on my carpet when I jumped out of the bed and skidded across the floor beating myself in the head to get it off.
here's another good one
The dream setting was in England in a small town...
I lived in a house with many other people...Like a hotel that had been converted into a community home....The strange part is that the town had a tradition to have a parade every evening and one man would carry a lions arm, I was a new comer with my family...and apparently they had a lion problem a long time ago...they where hunted by the creatures, one of the towns people had killed the last one and this was the evening tradition in his honor...
They were wrong...the last ones were not killed and that very night we where hunted in the home by the hungery animals...I went into every room looking for the beasts and had seen one or two...my brother was killed and so were some of my friends...and then..I bumped into the big male...he was perched on a shelf of some sort and began to make his way down it...staring at me....he lurched forward....and I woke up.
The most disturbing one was awhile ago....almost a year and I still recall it, every last detail.
I was going to a church, A large cathedral...there was a priest dressed in all white robes greeting people at the door, the normal progression of the crowd...he had a short black beard and green eyes...As I walked up to him and held out my hand to shake his...I was just about to say hello when he grabbed me up by my rib cage and flew away with me, he growled low and his eyes glowed...I tried to pray, but I couldn't breath...I tried to scream but I couldn't breath....I tried to pull away, but the harder I tried, the harder he dug his nails in me and the louder and angrier he growled...I was confused, I didn't know if he was the devil or if he was trying to exercise me, I was unsure if it was the reason it was so hard for me to try and pray...was it because I was unworthy to pray? I began to slip away...I saw a light in the center of his chest...his eyes burning into me and my fear reaching its peek...I was going to die...I whispered into his chest and said "Jesus...."I screamed "Christ!" I shot up in bed and tried to cry but I couldn't, I still couldn't breath...I rolled over in the dark and pried, I said my Hail Mary's till I finally started to cry.
I am not a terribly religious person...but in my own way I am...
This didn't spur me into going to church every sunday, but it sure as hell scared the shit out of me!
I know that you CAN die in a dream...but your mind wakes you before that point...if you have ever had a dream where you were falling...notice you always wake up before you hit the ground.
It is your mind flipping the on switch because shit got to real in your head.
I want to know why this is happening to me now...my dreams have always been strange but they have never been terrifying...they have been about flying, adventures, hell I even had a dream where I was smoking weed with a big black wolf like dog...but I never woke up crying, screaming, or unable to breath! tell me why in the last year they have become dark like this? Why in the last few months they have become so frequent...I am truly concerned!
I can't remember some and some I can't forget...no matter how hard I try.
In some cases I end up hurting myself when I am within their grip.
A few nights ago I had a dream where I was being hunted by a group of panthers ( my favorite animal) trying to beat them back with a large stick and then chases up a tree...
then there was the dream I had about a large wasp coming out of a window I broke and landing on my forehead...I had a small seizure, I ended up cutting my face with my nail, and burning my knee on my carpet when I jumped out of the bed and skidded across the floor beating myself in the head to get it off.
here's another good one
The dream setting was in England in a small town...
I lived in a house with many other people...Like a hotel that had been converted into a community home....The strange part is that the town had a tradition to have a parade every evening and one man would carry a lions arm, I was a new comer with my family...and apparently they had a lion problem a long time ago...they where hunted by the creatures, one of the towns people had killed the last one and this was the evening tradition in his honor...
They were wrong...the last ones were not killed and that very night we where hunted in the home by the hungery animals...I went into every room looking for the beasts and had seen one or two...my brother was killed and so were some of my friends...and then..I bumped into the big male...he was perched on a shelf of some sort and began to make his way down it...staring at me....he lurched forward....and I woke up.
The most disturbing one was awhile ago....almost a year and I still recall it, every last detail.
I was going to a church, A large cathedral...there was a priest dressed in all white robes greeting people at the door, the normal progression of the crowd...he had a short black beard and green eyes...As I walked up to him and held out my hand to shake his...I was just about to say hello when he grabbed me up by my rib cage and flew away with me, he growled low and his eyes glowed...I tried to pray, but I couldn't breath...I tried to scream but I couldn't breath....I tried to pull away, but the harder I tried, the harder he dug his nails in me and the louder and angrier he growled...I was confused, I didn't know if he was the devil or if he was trying to exercise me, I was unsure if it was the reason it was so hard for me to try and pray...was it because I was unworthy to pray? I began to slip away...I saw a light in the center of his chest...his eyes burning into me and my fear reaching its peek...I was going to die...I whispered into his chest and said "Jesus...."I screamed "Christ!" I shot up in bed and tried to cry but I couldn't, I still couldn't breath...I rolled over in the dark and pried, I said my Hail Mary's till I finally started to cry.
I am not a terribly religious person...but in my own way I am...
This didn't spur me into going to church every sunday, but it sure as hell scared the shit out of me!
I know that you CAN die in a dream...but your mind wakes you before that point...if you have ever had a dream where you were falling...notice you always wake up before you hit the ground.
It is your mind flipping the on switch because shit got to real in your head.
I want to know why this is happening to me now...my dreams have always been strange but they have never been terrifying...they have been about flying, adventures, hell I even had a dream where I was smoking weed with a big black wolf like dog...but I never woke up crying, screaming, or unable to breath! tell me why in the last year they have become dark like this? Why in the last few months they have become so frequent...I am truly concerned!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
What do you see?
Sitting uncomfortably in a metal chair waiting for the arrival of my mother,
I watched the crowds of afternoon students walk to their cars, leaving the school for the day; whereas, the evening students began to file in. I am 1 in 1,000, you are 1 in 1,000...who do I see? Looking is not the same as seeing. You can look at many things, and never see them. Look at a man, but see your lover. Look at a woman but see your mother. Look at a child, but see yourself.
Depending on what you feel, depending on what type of person you are, can affect what you see in others.
It's funny, when you are out of love...how many relationship you recognize around you....seems like everyone has someone, when you are alone.
But then again it just goes to show how things relate from one individual to another....what I perceive can and is wildly different from what you perceive.
Perceptions are merely that...perceptions.
So how can I make assumptions on appearance...the one thing mother told me not to do.
"Never judge a book by it's cover!" well here I go trying to do just that.
I see one man...he is older...must be in his seventies...waiting patiently for the change over in buses...he is a black man...dressed in a tweed suite, a red bowtie, and a bowler hat...the cuff of his pants pulled up showing the dark brown socks and shinned shoes...What did this man see in his life time? His age will tell some tale of wear in the history of men. The cival rights movement...most likely he would have seen just about everything from the depression to the vietnam war...Knowledge untapped by others, this man would tell you secretes if only you asked for his story, what a story that might be...he could have been in the room where Robert Kennedy was shot, or at the opening of the cotton club, He could tell you exactly where he was when the speech "I have a dream" was spoken, and how Martain Luther King affected his life, he could tell you how it felt to shake his hand...the pain from loosing a son...and most likely a wife...but yet he holds in his hand a small set of keys...looks like a small key chain...a picture....his grandchildren...maybe he is on his way to see them.....why would they make him take the bus? A surprise....a daily commute? The wrinkles in his face...show so many smiles...he is a happy man, or was a happy man. His hands are worn from years of work...I see calouses on the tips of his fingers...he plays guitar or bass...a musican. A pin on his lapel...Mets...A New Yorker...The bus finally comes, and with the dignaty only aged men pocess, he boards the bus. A wink in my direction....He noticed I was watching him.
I watched the crowds of afternoon students walk to their cars, leaving the school for the day; whereas, the evening students began to file in. I am 1 in 1,000, you are 1 in 1,000...who do I see? Looking is not the same as seeing. You can look at many things, and never see them. Look at a man, but see your lover. Look at a woman but see your mother. Look at a child, but see yourself.
Depending on what you feel, depending on what type of person you are, can affect what you see in others.
It's funny, when you are out of love...how many relationship you recognize around you....seems like everyone has someone, when you are alone.
But then again it just goes to show how things relate from one individual to another....what I perceive can and is wildly different from what you perceive.
Perceptions are merely that...perceptions.
So how can I make assumptions on appearance...the one thing mother told me not to do.
"Never judge a book by it's cover!" well here I go trying to do just that.
I see one man...he is older...must be in his seventies...waiting patiently for the change over in buses...he is a black man...dressed in a tweed suite, a red bowtie, and a bowler hat...the cuff of his pants pulled up showing the dark brown socks and shinned shoes...What did this man see in his life time? His age will tell some tale of wear in the history of men. The cival rights movement...most likely he would have seen just about everything from the depression to the vietnam war...Knowledge untapped by others, this man would tell you secretes if only you asked for his story, what a story that might be...he could have been in the room where Robert Kennedy was shot, or at the opening of the cotton club, He could tell you exactly where he was when the speech "I have a dream" was spoken, and how Martain Luther King affected his life, he could tell you how it felt to shake his hand...the pain from loosing a son...and most likely a wife...but yet he holds in his hand a small set of keys...looks like a small key chain...a picture....his grandchildren...maybe he is on his way to see them.....why would they make him take the bus? A surprise....a daily commute? The wrinkles in his face...show so many smiles...he is a happy man, or was a happy man. His hands are worn from years of work...I see calouses on the tips of his fingers...he plays guitar or bass...a musican. A pin on his lapel...Mets...A New Yorker...The bus finally comes, and with the dignaty only aged men pocess, he boards the bus. A wink in my direction....He noticed I was watching him.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
25 random things...
1. I am way to forgiving, and easily forgive...but am unwilling to change that characteristic of my personality. I consider it one of the many things that make me a good person (a good target too...but at least I'm aware.)
2. I can't write a story for more then two pages, I constantly re-read and then re-write the same two pages until I throw it away in a tantrum.
3. I have a penchants for the dramatics, but at the time of the drama I am unaware of it.
4. I do believe in true love.
5. I wish I knew who and what my grandmother was like...if maybe...I was a little like her.
6. I'm a sucker for a guy in a suite...or uniform.
7. I will never turn my back on you...I will never pull my ear from you...if you need me I will be there no matter what, family, friend, or a person I just met.
8. I will procrastinate my own funeral.
9. I love money...MY MONEY! and I spend it on anyone other then myself first...then I will spend it on me. Don't get me twisted...I'm not a gold digger and I don't put my faith in cold hard cash...too fleeting...but I love to have it, and spend it just as quickly.
10. I want to write a novel...many novels.
11. I want a secret library in my home, of cherry wood, and filled top to bottom with hundreds of books...with a fireplace and a comfy leather chair, so that when it rains, snows, or whenever I come home from work I can take a cup of hot tea, a cashmere blanket,and a good book and read until the sun comes up.
12. I see everything in life as photographs, paintings, and sketches in my life, and hear songs and music that make it move and describe it in every way...I prefer life without dialogue, just lyrics.
13. I am a people person...but HATE humanity...and hate serving or making you food! when will people learn not to piss off the people that can screw with their food!
14. I am the worst speller...and in some cases even spell check can not decipher what it is I am trying to spell!
15. I have a very strange perception on religion and religious people...I do believe in God...but to get in a conversation with me about it...I will challenge everything you believe and watch you stand and studder...you will either be converted (unintentionally) or your head may explode.
16.I stay fit by dancing in my room at two in the morning like a retarded string bean, I sleep as much as possible, and eat A LOT! (surprisingly though, what I eat when I eat it...is usually very healthy! OH AND I LOVE MILK!!!)
17. I am TERRIFIED OF ZOMBIES! I have nightmares about them, and I took a survey once that said I had a 95% chance of living through a zombie invasion but I would most likely die going back to save someone...nice right...but I don't want to be a zombie...so pick up your shoes and learn to run BECAUSE I AM NOT STICK'N AROUND!
18. I love my family...and miss my grandfather A LOT! I hope I can get to see him really soon...6 years is way to long.
19. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see my mother looking back...those are the moments when I feel beautiful.
20. I have low self-esteem, and high expectations.
21. I miss my sister, and my nieces....POOTER PANTS!
22. I hate Disney world....don't ask...if you want the story, bring a lunch...you'll need it.
23. 23...BIG DEAL!!!! this number is EVERYWHERE! and I love it! 2-3-5 my lucky numbers.
24. I wish my parents knew how much I respect and treasure them, I wish I knew how to show them...I would love for them to feel it...instead of hope-ing they excepted it.
25. I just want to have life be solid under my feet for awhile...instead of walking on a tight rope not seeing the safety net beneath you...I would like to be walking on the ground and have everything go my way for awhile...I'm just so tiered of wishing and doing without any idea where or when my work will pay off...and does anyone notice that I'm working hard..just to stay sane and happy for just few moments?
2. I can't write a story for more then two pages, I constantly re-read and then re-write the same two pages until I throw it away in a tantrum.
3. I have a penchants for the dramatics, but at the time of the drama I am unaware of it.
4. I do believe in true love.
5. I wish I knew who and what my grandmother was like...if maybe...I was a little like her.
6. I'm a sucker for a guy in a suite...or uniform.
7. I will never turn my back on you...I will never pull my ear from you...if you need me I will be there no matter what, family, friend, or a person I just met.
8. I will procrastinate my own funeral.
9. I love money...MY MONEY! and I spend it on anyone other then myself first...then I will spend it on me. Don't get me twisted...I'm not a gold digger and I don't put my faith in cold hard cash...too fleeting...but I love to have it, and spend it just as quickly.
10. I want to write a novel...many novels.
11. I want a secret library in my home, of cherry wood, and filled top to bottom with hundreds of books...with a fireplace and a comfy leather chair, so that when it rains, snows, or whenever I come home from work I can take a cup of hot tea, a cashmere blanket,and a good book and read until the sun comes up.
12. I see everything in life as photographs, paintings, and sketches in my life, and hear songs and music that make it move and describe it in every way...I prefer life without dialogue, just lyrics.
13. I am a people person...but HATE humanity...and hate serving or making you food! when will people learn not to piss off the people that can screw with their food!
14. I am the worst speller...and in some cases even spell check can not decipher what it is I am trying to spell!
15. I have a very strange perception on religion and religious people...I do believe in God...but to get in a conversation with me about it...I will challenge everything you believe and watch you stand and studder...you will either be converted (unintentionally) or your head may explode.
16.I stay fit by dancing in my room at two in the morning like a retarded string bean, I sleep as much as possible, and eat A LOT! (surprisingly though, what I eat when I eat it...is usually very healthy! OH AND I LOVE MILK!!!)
17. I am TERRIFIED OF ZOMBIES! I have nightmares about them, and I took a survey once that said I had a 95% chance of living through a zombie invasion but I would most likely die going back to save someone...nice right...but I don't want to be a zombie...so pick up your shoes and learn to run BECAUSE I AM NOT STICK'N AROUND!
18. I love my family...and miss my grandfather A LOT! I hope I can get to see him really soon...6 years is way to long.
19. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see my mother looking back...those are the moments when I feel beautiful.
20. I have low self-esteem, and high expectations.
21. I miss my sister, and my nieces....POOTER PANTS!
22. I hate Disney world....don't ask...if you want the story, bring a lunch...you'll need it.
23. 23...BIG DEAL!!!! this number is EVERYWHERE! and I love it! 2-3-5 my lucky numbers.
24. I wish my parents knew how much I respect and treasure them, I wish I knew how to show them...I would love for them to feel it...instead of hope-ing they excepted it.
25. I just want to have life be solid under my feet for awhile...instead of walking on a tight rope not seeing the safety net beneath you...I would like to be walking on the ground and have everything go my way for awhile...I'm just so tiered of wishing and doing without any idea where or when my work will pay off...and does anyone notice that I'm working hard..just to stay sane and happy for just few moments?
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