My Angel

One day you'll meet her...she is my everything!I will know her till the sun shines no more.Her pale eyes scanned the drab room for some-thing to ignite a fanciful day dream.The class drawing out every bit of boredom to a new high. Oh, to be high, to be floating in reality above all the hopeless and helpless others stuck in this stale, florecently lit box.She taps her foot lightly to the melody playing in her head from this mornings radio tunes, as her mind turns over the countless stories and flashing pictures of old memories...some she wishes to forget and some she wishes to live again.Her breathing is low and quit..periodically she sighs,at the thought of the perfect love,one night stand, or long cuddle and sleeping peacefully in the arms of someone deeply cherished...nameless and faceless in her daydreams. This beautiful creature pulled for a world of paint and glitter, magic and fairytales,and dropped into the the stale, brass, and callous world of hypocrites and carelessness;she has to daydream or she would be lost in deep depression,already clouding most of her nights and days( and thoroughly irritating her.) She takes her pencil and taps it on the desk, making it known to everyone else she's heard this stupid speech before,and does not need to hear it again.So she begins to ignore the dictator in front of the class (who couldn't teach a dog to bark anyway.)and starts drawing her dreams...making them more tangible...easier to really feel and see.Her pictures and memories of the magic she once knew has begun to fog and this saddens her even more. As she draws she wonders what the hell people see in her that they constantly call beautiful...she can't see what they see, feel what they feel, comprehend it all. She's just ordinary..right? No,she's perfect, in a way almost divine.She radiates it whether she sees it or not.She holds a ray of innocence, a hidden purity brought out by her sparkling blue eyes...her eyes..so beautiful...so captivating, drowning you in loveliness, in hope, in sorrow, and pure beauty...and her smile, saving you with one innocent smirk. She seems to just say without words "everything will be okay." She rests her cheek on her hand and her eyelids begin to fall,they get heavier and heavier with each passing second of monotouse jabber. She crosses her legs and rests her other hand between her thighs then sleepily she runs her finger over the foe-wood pattern of the desk and begins to find pictures and funny shapes inside...scratches of some moron wanting everyone to know he was "here"..oh yeah great place to be. She continues to draw the endless flood of pictures that invade her mind,all of which are perfect and beautiful. She wishes you to think her the picture of a little devil, but her drawings give her away;not once has she drawn anything malicious, cruel, diseased, or deadly...they have been wistful,magical,and soft. She is the embodiment of an earthly angel, her milky white skin and rusty red hair the color of mars,and her blue eyes as deep and mysterious as the ocean.She calmly waits for the bell to ring and deliver her to a more inviting environment of her fashion class...somewhere where she can control the things around her, gliding over the other students,giving them much needed,creative advice.She quickly picks up her books..giving one last glare to the old fart picking threw his plants,and leaves the room.Haphazardly walking into tall freshmen, but still retaining the air of dignity she was born with that make them cringe to a more preferred cowring position. That's my Queen of hearts, that's my angel...That's my darling.this is dedicated to my loving friend <333Kris<333

The Poetry of an Unfathomable Mind

I feel like just yammering on...about nothing, something...and in these times of unyielding thoughts that seem insane, amazing epiphanies can be found....the profound...endless streams of thought, rarely flowing seamlessly into one another...instead weaving a tapestry of beauty not seen by even the keenest of eyes and then as quickly as it was woven, it fades into the void never to be seen again...sadness forms as the thought of such fleeting pulchritudinous.Love can be so confusing, taking the mind on a ride close to what you see on an acid trip except instead of your mind seeing things, sensing things, it's your heart...as if your heart takes on a mind of its own....and though you try to explain what you know is right about what is going on with you and this other person...(weather it is right or wrong, good or bad {usually bad}) a smile or look from the object of your affection will completely erase all the hard worked explanations your brain went through...it is amazing how the most undeserving of your attentions seem to get the most of your attention.To make a woman smile in her eyes is such a difficult thing to accomplish, we can lie with our smiles and even our body language, bur our eyes never lie, and to smile with your eyes is true happiness.my foots asleepadvice for men on the pick up of women...guys tend to put their foot in their mouth more often then not when trying to pick up women....so to go around that problem...instead of walking up to a girl when chances are your not wanted, send the girl a drink...AND THEN STAY WHERE YOU ARE! do not and i repeat do not go over with the drink...send the drink over, smirk and then turn your attentions elsewhere....more often then not you have just started her mind moving in the direction of mystery...women, though some wont admit it, love mystery, and hate to be ignored...if you send a drink to a girl, smirk at her then ignore her she will be immediately interested in why you would do such a thing....once you have her in a conversation that she will most likely start, keep it simple, don't start running your mouth about yourself, ask her about herself more often, keep the mystery of who you are going, let her in on somethings but when it comes to you quickly change the subject...it will keep her interested longer....now a good salesmen will tell you...that in any sale you have about 30 minutes with a potential mark to sell the product...anymore then that, you fucked your sale...with women you have a varied window of about 15 minutes to (if your lucky) and hour. Watch her....during the conversation if her body language says anything like she's looking for her friends, the bathroom, anything...GET OUT QUICK...turn to her and say..."I'm going to get another drink at the bar, of you'd like to join me that would be nice, if not, it was nice to meet you." then walk away...the point of the matter is to end it before she gets the chance too.need more music...there...Religion is such a silly thing...it's not all bad...but for the most part it is....I don't think the devil is a bad guy, which most of you know, more like a business partner....but I am not liked by Christians at all for the very reason that I reason rather then pray...I'm not sorry to say that yes although praying will calm you down if something bad has happened or your in situation that is not exactly great...it wont fix the problem...you have to deliver yourself...it is sad that when you have accomplished something you contribute it to something unseen, the philosophy of a guiding hand...again weather good or bad..."the devil made me do it." " I'd like to thank Jesus for this award.". We do not like responsibility, and through out life must have a parenting figure...God being the ultimate Father figure...constantly away on business. I am not saying that I am without faith, that I do not pray at one time or another, that I don't hope to go to heaven when I die, that I don't hope that there is more then just what I see...what I am saying is that I don't have faith in YOUR God, everyone should have their own ideas about what they should believe and leave the rest of us to ours....I am not kidding, the last time I went to a Christian church I blurted out as I walked in the door "I feel like I'm about to burst into flames." because though the people were welcoming the ideas turned my stomach....what bothers me is that the christian God is so cold, yet he is adored for his mercy...what mercy? I ask you what happened to Adam, Eve, Jobe, His only son, Samuel, Sodom and Gamora, so many stories of pain and sacrifice to constantly prove your worthiness...I tell you, it just doesn't make sense, you silly religious people...you can still be rational, thoughtful, and be spiritual...take a stab at it...think, ask...In the bible God says word for word..."Question me" but I ask you rather then question him, question religion...is it truly satisfying your mind and heart in EVERY way?Drugs...oh how nice they can be, and how cruel they can turn on you....for me it was a very different experience with them then I had heard from anyone else...I would get sick once it started to become habitual....for instance weed gives me panic attacks now, but at one time I was a lovely stonner....coke, now that white pony makes me a very depressing person...I once had a friend ask me for some because they wanted to trip in a sense...trouble is it doesn't make reality different, it just makes you move through it quicker...I get so emotional and talkative I want to shoot myself in the face with how annoying I get...Zanax on the other hand had always been a true friend of mine...lovely little pill, trouble is I got in trouble with them and ended up forgetting about them...strange...but I have had them recently...weird thing is I never had them with alcohol before and I never will again...straight black out....not a fan.To make love is something I am just learning to do...it was the same with everyone for such a very long time....either my self-conciousness, or the fact that I was merely with the person out of sympathy, or I would trick myself into liking them...so the longer I stayed the more I felt I should love them or have sex with them...that maybe sex would help me to feel for them...sad huh....It is very difficult to separate myself my body and actually feel pleasure....at one time, all the lights had to be off and there had to be music on, if the guy said anything I was que to moan, I had to be the best he ever had, ever would have, and could never find again...I have to still be the best at everything involved when it comes to relationships and especially sex....but now it doesn't bother me as much to have the lights on. My sister told me something once...."Fucking is great and to cum is better, but there is no better orgasm then the one you have with someone you love." I no longer have a problem of loving someone...my only problem is disconnecting, is to be selfish a little while making love....instead of needing to be the best for him, take the best from him...there will probably be no better sight that he will see then me in the grasp of a true frenzy....and in that hopefully we will cum at the same time, and it will be as they say, you are one being, for one tenth of an inconceivable second.It's funny how assorted subjects can effect your grammar as well as your vocabulary...look at the beginning of this rant and see the anomalies...it's almost if another person wrote various portions.well I'm tired now.. so I shall leave you to ponder, when you wonder threw the incongruous valleys of my mind.

From a broken heart

My Love,

What is there to say that has not been said?
What is left to do, that has not been done?
Where to begin?

So much to say, and yet it's difficult to find the words...I wonder if you understand where you've left me, the position I mean...what am I to do next? Sifting through tones of lies, trying to find minute traces of truth; who, and what to believe my hardest questions to answer. It would be more then stupid to believe one word that comes out of your mouth, and yet I want so much to believe you are the man I thought you were and would tell me the truth.

I don't care if it was Holly, Christina, Lauren, or Kattie ( yes, I even know about that.) It doesn't matter if you've cheated on me, with everything else you've done that is just the icing on the cake. But I have to know, how much risk has my trust in you put me? Did it turn you on when you laid me down, that my love for you was so much that you could do whatever you wanted? Did it get you off, putting my life in danger? Marriage by disease, making sure I could never leave you...Where you proud that you could lie to me and get away with it? These are only 1% of the questions I want to ask you, and yet I expect to never get the truth. I would hope that you would be a man and own up to what you've done, but I haven't seen that quality of honesty come from you. Is it shame in not wanting to admit what you are truly capable of, or is it that you are trying to save yourself from feeling guilt? I think it's that you are ultimately afraid of being alone, and all the apologizes are just to keep me...not me as someone you love, but just a person to share your misery.

I'm not proud of how I handled the situation, and I own up to acting the way I did; but I'm not sorry I hit you...I just wish I didn't hit you then. In my heart I really wanted to get you to B.A.R.C, but my head reminds me that you really didn't want to go. Watching you slump to grown after you finished smoking crack and then haphazardly grabbing at your cigarettes, fumbling as you put it to your lips...Remembering every lie you told me, I wanted you to feel it...Every twist of pain in the shattered pieces of my heart! looking at the person who held all my hopes and dream in their incapable hands, high and uncaring of even the faintest emotion I felt, sprawled out on the ground in the dirt, by the trash cans, made me ill...The disgust rising in my throat...I lost control...( and then so did you, didn't expect the hit back...)

I have heard so much in the past couple of days, about who you really are, and what you truly feel, about me, about your recovery. I am left with an arduous task of sorting through bits and pieces of truth and lies...like a bomb tech sifting through debris trying to find survivors...

I don't regret being with you, I don't hate you, and in spite of all that you've done I love you now as much I did when we first began...when the fantasy was reality. But this is where we end, to save my sanity, I must sacrifice my heart. I want nothing but the best for you...to be happy, healthy and successful, but I can't stand by you any longer. Think of me as a ghost, a memory of better times.

This is my closure, this is my pain laid out on white sheets and black ink...this is goodbye.


With all the love that remains,
Joshephine