From a broken heart

My Love,

What is there to say that has not been said?
What is left to do, that has not been done?
Where to begin?

So much to say, and yet it's difficult to find the words...I wonder if you understand where you've left me, the position I mean...what am I to do next? Sifting through tones of lies, trying to find minute traces of truth; who, and what to believe my hardest questions to answer. It would be more then stupid to believe one word that comes out of your mouth, and yet I want so much to believe you are the man I thought you were and would tell me the truth.

I don't care if it was Holly, Christina, Lauren, or Kattie ( yes, I even know about that.) It doesn't matter if you've cheated on me, with everything else you've done that is just the icing on the cake. But I have to know, how much risk has my trust in you put me? Did it turn you on when you laid me down, that my love for you was so much that you could do whatever you wanted? Did it get you off, putting my life in danger? Marriage by disease, making sure I could never leave you...Where you proud that you could lie to me and get away with it? These are only 1% of the questions I want to ask you, and yet I expect to never get the truth. I would hope that you would be a man and own up to what you've done, but I haven't seen that quality of honesty come from you. Is it shame in not wanting to admit what you are truly capable of, or is it that you are trying to save yourself from feeling guilt? I think it's that you are ultimately afraid of being alone, and all the apologizes are just to keep me...not me as someone you love, but just a person to share your misery.

I'm not proud of how I handled the situation, and I own up to acting the way I did; but I'm not sorry I hit you...I just wish I didn't hit you then. In my heart I really wanted to get you to B.A.R.C, but my head reminds me that you really didn't want to go. Watching you slump to grown after you finished smoking crack and then haphazardly grabbing at your cigarettes, fumbling as you put it to your lips...Remembering every lie you told me, I wanted you to feel it...Every twist of pain in the shattered pieces of my heart! looking at the person who held all my hopes and dream in their incapable hands, high and uncaring of even the faintest emotion I felt, sprawled out on the ground in the dirt, by the trash cans, made me ill...The disgust rising in my throat...I lost control...( and then so did you, didn't expect the hit back...)

I have heard so much in the past couple of days, about who you really are, and what you truly feel, about me, about your recovery. I am left with an arduous task of sorting through bits and pieces of truth and lies...like a bomb tech sifting through debris trying to find survivors...

I don't regret being with you, I don't hate you, and in spite of all that you've done I love you now as much I did when we first began...when the fantasy was reality. But this is where we end, to save my sanity, I must sacrifice my heart. I want nothing but the best for you...to be happy, healthy and successful, but I can't stand by you any longer. Think of me as a ghost, a memory of better times.

This is my closure, this is my pain laid out on white sheets and black ink...this is goodbye.


With all the love that remains,
Joshephine