Worry...
just too damn much of it.
I am supposed to be getting married...he proposed, and I accepted...my parents don't know...well my father knows but not my mom and dad...( I have a biological father and a dad, I know it's confusing.)
I went to New York for spring break, absolutely amazing! A city that truly felt like home the second I got off the plane.
I'm am not one to boast, I am actually a person with very low self esteem, but as of late I have been coming into my own, realizing I am somewhat attractive...but most importantly smart.
The thing is, I have so many things available to me that I can do...so many adventures that my age and looks afford me...I want to experience them, and I'm deathly afraid of making a poor decision...and I think I have made a premature one in getting engaged so soon.
I love him, he is actually my first love...but my greatest fear is not dieing...but not living! I don't want to fade away...I want to leave a mark, be remembered, make an impression on the world other then a carbon footprint. I want to be recognized...I have something to say...something in me that the world has to know...I feel it, I felt it since I was a child...I just don't know what it is...
there are so many things that complicate the puzzle that is my relationship. He is a broken person and by nature I try and fix broken people...I am afraid to every leave him even when I must because I am afraid that I am responsible for him....stupid as it is, I know that it's wrong but I can't help to feell at fault for what he might do to himslef in my apsents...this is were you say "run for life girl!" and my response is "I know, but I can't" with a heavy sigh " I love him."
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that's how i felt about my first love, i felt like his mother more than his lover half the time and his constant mood swings left me skittish and confused. finally after many attempts i was able to walk away. i too by nature want to fix the broken; heal the wounded puppies, but sometimes you have to do whats best for yourself, and if you feel that you need to have some time on your own to experience life and make your mark then you should definitely do that. it doesn't have to be a goodbye, it could just be a see you later and you can see if he's really the one destined for you (or if you don't believe in that stuff then the right fit for you)
ReplyDeletethe only fear I have is what he may do to himself, using me as an excuse...I'm just not a good cooper with guilt.
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